Making & Keeping Friends
Research Highlights & Resources
“People with solid friendships live healthier, longer lives. Friendship decreases blood pressure and stress, reduces the risk of depression and increases longevity, in large part because someone is watching out for us.” (Bernstein, 2016)
Yet starting in early adulthood, our number of friends starts to decrease steadily. “We grow in one direction, our friends grow in another, and there isn’t much in common anymore.” (Bernstein 2016)
- Why is it more difficult for grown-ups to make new friends?
- Less time
- No ready pool to choose from
- More inhibited (compared to children)
- How do we make friends? (Bernstein 2016)
- “Get over the stigma that something is wrong with you if you don’t have enough friends or are looking to make more”
- Intention: something in common, emotionally available
- Feel chemistry? Introduce yourself; if you find something in common, invite to meet again
- Widen your horizons to multiply options
- Follow your interests-get involved with groups or volunteer activities you enjoy, to meet like-minded people and become a more interesting person yourself
- Build connections gradually; show up consistently
- Be a friend when someone needs one
- Reciprocity is key! Self-disclose, but don't overshare (Bernstein, 2013)
- Share something emotionally, then give the other person a chance to share
- Oversharing is experienced as one-sided, overwhelming, socially inappropriate
- How can you tell if you're oversharing? Notice the listener’s response
- How do we keep friends? (Karbo, 2006)
- Respond supportively to self-disclosure
- Ask for help and accept offers of help
- Show up! Keep in touch
- Be positive! Self-disclosure “doesn’t mean an unrestricted license to vent.”
“At the end of the day, the intimacy that makes a friendship thrive must be an enjoyable one, for the more rewarding a friendship, the more we feel good about it, the more we're willing to expend the energy it takes to keep it alive.” (Karbo, p. 6).
Resources:
“The Science of Making Friends” (Elizabeth Bernstein, Wall Street Journal, April 18, 2016; “Why making new friends is harder for grown-ups,” April 19, 2016 print edition; https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-science-of-making-friends-1460992572
“Friendship: The Laws of Attraction” (Karen Karbo, Psychology Today, 2006, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200611/friendship-the-laws-attraction
To Charm and Make Friends Fast: Share, Don’t Overshare. (Elizabeth Bernstein, Wall Street Journal, Feb. 18, 2013) https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424127887323495104578312063587168922
10 Ways to Make (and Keep) Friendships as an Adult (Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., Psychology Today, May 25, 2016). https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201605/10-ways-make-and-keep-friendships-adult
The Health Benefits of Strong Relationships. Harvard Women's Health Watch, 2010, Updated: August 6, 2019. https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/the-health-benefits-of-strong-relationships
Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend (Irene Levine, Ph.D., 2009, Overlook Press, available in Kindle Edition) https://smile.amazon.com/Best-Friends-Forever-Surviving-Breakup-ebook/dp/B0033ZAVTE
Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, Geoffrey Greif, 2008
https://www.google.com/books/edition/Buddy_System/Jnl53KoQGCkC?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover
The Surprising Boost You Get From Strangers (excerpt)
By Elizabeth Bernstein
May 11, 2019
https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-surprising-boost-you-get-from-strangers-11557567000
"In research studies, Dr. Sandstrom has shown that people’s moods improve after they have a conversation with a Starbucks barista or a volunteer at the Tate Modern art museum in London. She’s also found that people are happier on days when they have more interactions with acquaintances they don’t know well and that students enjoy class more when they interact with their classmates.
You don’t even have to talk to complete strangers to reap the benefits. Multiple studies show that people who interact regularly with passing acquaintances, or who engage with others through community groups, religious gatherings or volunteer opportunities, have better emotional and physical health and live longer than people who do not. The researchers believe that engaging with someone we don’t know well is more cognitively challenging than interacting with loved ones: Rather than use the verbal shorthand that develops in close relationships, we have to speak in full sentences, engaging more of our brain."
Compiled by Joanne Gainen, Eastside Neighbors Network, March 2020